he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
