I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
