at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
