We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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