just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
