walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
