Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
