Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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