we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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