No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
