Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
