I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
