i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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