It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
