I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
