I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
