I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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