I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
