i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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