I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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