so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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