apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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