Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
