i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
