i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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