I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
