take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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