Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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