I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
