Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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