my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
