dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
