this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
