Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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