38 yer olds are good kisserssss
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
