I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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