I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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