I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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