just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
