Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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