Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
