just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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