What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
