So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
