sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
