Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
