Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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