Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
