if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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