When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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