i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
