He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
