Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
