I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
