just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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