Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
